a cloud of desperate contortions



fireworks on the rynek

i’ve been distracted, i’ve been busy, i’ve been lazy, i’ve been annoyed.  so many reasons i haven’t finished the story that i started here over a year ago, so many possible excuses, all of them real, all of them valid.  the truth is that this year started in quiet desperation, moved on to nighttime panic, soared momentarily to balance and calm before plummeting to mortal terror and heartbreak and oh such a variety of agony.  within the fog of all that, i haven’t been able to make much time to create.

i’m not complaining, really — i have it pretty good.  and most of this is my fault — if you don’t deal with things when you need to, they have a nasty habit of coming back to haunt you.  that’s what happened this year.  so many goddamned nasty chickens came home to roost.

but a few other things happened, too, like realizations about life and what i need and who i want by my side.  another is that my mother came into a LOT of information about our family — information that has derailed, contradicted, or confirmed the many paths of research we have been on all this time — which means that the story i started writing about our trip to ukraine is now expanding beyond this blog’s ability to contain it.  sorry to leave it on a cliffhanger, but i think i should hold back the rest of the story … for now.

consider it a synopsis of a longer work yet to be fully conceived.

another thing’s been going on, too, which is that this blog was started by a newly-expatriated and confused person who wanted nothing but to work through all the shit around her, preferably in writing, in public.  that was the focus here.  recently i’ve realized that this particular name/space/format/whatever does not serve my current purposes.  at the beginning of this past year, suffering from cabin fever, social anxiety, and financial panic, i started a tumblr, so that i could force myself to post SOMEthing, usually small, sometimes eloquent, frequently unneccessary.  i didn’t tell anyone about this site until relatively recently.  it works for me right now.  i really like wordpress, and i like the idea of coming back to a longer-format blog, but for now i’d like to consider this particular blog closed.

if you follow me here, please follow me there.  i will try not to disappoint.

new year’s eve fireworks are exploding all around me as i type these words direct, trying to be as immediate as possible, to let everything fall to the “page” as directly as i can.  when i’m done typing, i’m going over to my desk in the corner, where there is wine, and a giant blank book, and a few projects i need to finish so that i can move on.  it’s time to move on.

2012 was pretty suck.  let’s hold our thumbs for a brighter 2013.

janice flux

PS.  in poland, crossing your fingers means you are lying, even if you’re not hiding them behind your back.  instead, they hold their thumbs in their fists and say “i’m holding my thumbs for you.”

PPS the pictures of the fireworks out of my window are just awful, despite the fact that people are actually setting them off in the street below.  so instead i stole the above photo from this site, like a dirty thief, but one who LOVES giving photo credit (REUTERS/Maciej Swierczynski/Agencja Gazeta/Handout).


2 responses to “a cloud of desperate contortions

  1. I am sad but hopeful.

  2. me, too.

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